


Nobody expects the.... Warden?

by Sternenstaub



Series: How to possess a Warden [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, F/M, Grieve, M/M, Memories, Modern Character in Thedas, Modern Girl in Thedas, No trigger warnings, Pain, Slow Burn, almost, but thedas is not a nice place, relationships may stay platonic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-10 14:27:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7848634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sternenstaub/pseuds/Sternenstaub
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The divine tried to host peace talks in Haven, the city the Hero once found the ashes of Andraste herself, but they were interrupted by an awful explosion. The hope for peace died that day together with the divine. And the Hero was nowhere to be seen, or were they?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Once there was...

**Author's Note:**

> I got the Idea for this Story in a Dream. This is mostly AU so please don´t be confused if some things don´t add up to the original story.  
> Typos are for everyone who likes finding them.  
> English is not my native english, so please bear with me.
> 
> I do not own Dragon Age or any other franchise regarding Thedas. This is a non-profit fanwork

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> revised, kept unchanged, 04.07.14

Long ago the nations of Thedas were in grave danger, a blight threatened to annihilate them all. Only the Grey Wardens were able to defeat them and rescue Ferelden from their inevitable annihilation. But when the Nation needed them most, they all vanished. Killed by a Darkspawn army.  
All? No, two young wardens remained. With joined effort they were able to unify Fereldan against the imminent danger and slay the archdemon at the cost of one of their lifes.  
The Nation was saved and the remaining Warden was bestowed the title Hero of Ferelden. 

The peace was not long to hold. A civil war raged on between Mages and Templars, who had once fought side by side against the blight. When the Nation needed them most the famed Warden vanished. They were sought of far and wide but nobody could find a trace of their Hero.  
The divine tried to host peace talks in Haven, the city the Hero once found the ashes of Andraste herself, but they were interrupted by an awful explosion. The hope for peace died that day together with the divine. And the Hero was nowhere to be seen, or were they?


	2. this seems wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> revised as of 04.07.17

I woke up, my head hurting like someone smashed it against a wall. I felt disoriented and could not at all remember what had happened. My eyes felt glued shut, like I had slept for a very long time. The bed I was lying on was incredible hard and scratchy, uncomfortable all over and it was freezing outside my blanket. With some effort, I managed to open my eyes, squinting against the light I managed to perceive a little of my surroundings.   
It seemed like I was in a brick-built room, lying on a cot, covered with furs and a single torch the only light source. Now that my eyes got used to being open again, my surroundings looked rather dim. But maybe not as dim as they should have been, considering there was but one torch and no windows. Where those bars in the door? Where was I?

It did not look like I just passed out and someone took me home to take care of me. 

Standing up from my bed was a feat in itself. I wobbled even just sitting on the cot, nerves twitching, feeling vertigo. This was so strange. Trying not to puke my innards out, I concentrated on my legs, and noticed more unsettling changes.   
I was wearing strange clothes, a muddy green kind of tunic and dark green leggings of a material I could not define. It was nothing I had ever worn. Why was I wearing a strangers’ clothes?

Once I finally stood, wobbly but upright, I noticed just how big the room was. The ceiling was at least 4 meters high, the cot I had awoken in was a lot bigger than would have been normal as well. And standing I realized my body felt all wrong. I was a rather chubby girl, so why were my breast suddenly so small? My hands were not slender and elegant, my nails had been purple when I left home last evening. Looking down hair fell into my eyes, bright blonde hair! I was a redhead! What had happened to me?!? My breathing hitched, the world blurred at the edges, tears? no, I started hyperventilating and had to sit down again. I hid my face behind my hands, “This is a dream! Wake up!”. 

Suddenly I noticed a pale green light coming from my hand? “What the –?” With the perception of the light the pain came. My hand hurt like it was on fire and frozen and maimed. It was burning and freezing, needling and pulsing and consuming me whole. I whimpered but wanted to scream, but I had not enough strength for even that. Liberating darkness encompassed me. Surely, I would wake up now?

The pain was still there embracing me in a feral fire and consuming my inner being. I woke up from a scraping sound with tears in my eyes.   
A tall woman clad in some kind of armor entered my little room. She had black hair and... seemed nervous? I knew this woman! But that was impossible. Was this some kind of sick joke? No, my palm hurt too much, nobody would actually hurt me like that for a joke. And this light was no simple special effect, I had never seen something this real. That meant, the woman in front of me had to be Cassandra -freaking- Pentaghast!

I would have thought her not to be so tall. I felt insignificant in front of her.  
Wait! Wait, does that mean I have the mark? Am I the Herald supposed to close the Breach? No, that can´t be, I would be in the dungeons being interrogated by scary Cassandra not being greeted by a skittish Cassandra.  
“Honored Grey Warden, I´m sorry for your poor accommodations. You may not be aware of the current situation. The conclave was destroyed, thousands are dead.” Cassandra seemed grief-stricken, she was verging on tears but addressed my as polite as possible. But, wait, what? Did she just call me Warden? What the hell is going on here? What happened to me?  
She didn´t notice me nearing another panic attack. “We need your help. The mark on your hand may be able to help us. YOU may be able to help us. Everybody knows you would never kill the divine and let war break loose after you saved us all but you were the only survivor of this catastrophe. Did you see anything? Do you know what happened?” she stammered a bit fast. Cassandra looked at me with an expression so full of hope and admiration, it almost shattered my heart. Thankfully my stupid mark took this exact moment to start hurting so bad I fell unconscious. I´d never been more elated at pain.


	3. rushing to the breach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter is finally going to give some insight how our heroine ended up as the warden. stay tuned.
> 
> and again. I do not own Dragon Age or any related franchises.
> 
> Edited: 09.07.17

“Somebody go get Solas!” I heard Cassandra´s muffled scream. When I came to, she was hunched over me, looking very worried. _Shit, Shit, Shit, I still don´t know a thing about this world state. Assuming this is all real, what will likely not get me killed as fast as assuming I´m dreaming._ I sat up on my cot, looking extra pitiful so she wouldn´t ask any more questions, actually I didn´t need to act, I was spent and broken, my head and hand hurt like never before, the world was spinning and everything looked wrong, like I was looking through a fish tank.

 

Just as I started to gather my thoughts and knew I couldn´t get away any longer, the door opened and a certain apostate hobo elf entered the stage of this madness. “You called Seeker?” He was watching me intently, like looking for something that was not there. _Was he looking disappointed? I could not quite tell_.

 

“The Warden still is in an immeasurable amount of pain it seems. We need to do something.” She almost shouted. Cassandra seemed genuinely scared for me.

“Thank you, I will live, I think”, I patted her hand. “Since you seem to know who I am, what am I to call you?” I inquired. Of course, I knew them, but I wasn´t supposed to be, was I? _Play along, just play along,_ I chanted to myself.

“Of course,“ Cassandra blushed “Seeker Cassandra Pentaghast, it´s an honor to meet you. Do you remember what happened at the conclave?”

 

My heart stuttered, her eyes were full of hope, bright and open, if a bit puffy, she had really loved the Divine. “I´m sorry, I can´t remember anything, I don´t even know how I got into the Frostbacks.” I also turned to Solas, it was impolite to ignore someone present, “I´m also sorry I´m not able to heal myself right now. I thank you for your assistance.” _I sure hope this sounds convincing. Am I even a spirit healer? I think I´m a mage, Solas feels different than Cassandra, that should be the mana, right?_ Cassandra looked disheartened. But we still had to go out there, Demons were much more important than my lost memories right now.

 

After a short moment where he seemed to gather himself, it seems it was a surprise I approached him so openly, he answered evenly. “If there are to be introductions my name is Solas.” he introduced himself. I nodded a hopefully polite Hello. Preoccupied with my worries.

 

How was I supposed to survive out there? The Warden was one of the best fighters Ferelden had, I would not be guarded by anyone once the fighting started. _But I don´t know how to fight at all! I´m fucked.... Goodbye sweet world and all that_. But well, we had to try. I wasn´t actually being asked but expected to lead them to the Breach.

 

After procuring some warm jackets and a staff for me, we went on our way. _Be grateful for the little things, your hands are not tied and you´re allowed to carry a weapon from the start. Everybody thinking they know who you are does have its perks_.

 

Once we exited the little building I started shivering. The Frostbacks really were a different kind of cold, but wait, no, I did not actually shiver, I never felt this kind of cold before, this body however did, I was not really comfortable but not a walking popsicle as well. How strange, my mind wanted to feel cold, it was utterly confused at not freezing. And the world looked so big, I was so small, reaching barely Cassandra´s shoulder plates. I stumbled over snow, not sure if it was having new legs or just general clumsiness after being depleted physically and emotionally.

 

The breach pulsed and I almost collapsed several times, always being caught by Cassandra and once even by Solas just in time not to land face first in the snow. The pain was horrible. The numbing cold even helped a little with that.

Soon we reached the bridge I knew would collapse. I was prepared for the fall, and Cassandra and Solas also didn´t seem to have hurt themselves. The two emerging demons were quickly disposed of by my companions without me having to do a thing.

Soon we heard fighting ahead. _Oh, shit, Solas was supposed to be there and help Varric. I hope he isn´t hurt without the proper backup_.

 

Running towards the fighting soldiers, I felt my hand, not the marked one, that was numb from pain, to prickle strangely. It was gleaming in a pale blue with a little green in it, almost a turquoise. A color I rather liked actually. Is that my mana, is my muscle memory remembering how to fight? I hoped the best and threw myself into the brawl. Trying to fight without thinking about what my body was actually doing, we disposed of the Demons rather fast.

 

“Quickly, before more come through!” Solas grabbed my hand, linking the anchor to the very first Rift I ever encountered. I was so preoccupied fighting without thinking about anything, I hadn´t even noticed the gaping green hole right over me.

 

It looked horrifying and beautiful. A beauty that could kill you instantly but was not beside that but because of that beautiful. The Anchor pushed and pulled, it was the strangest feeling ever. Was it trying to leech from me? It felt like it but at the same time I started feeling stronger with every inch I closed it. Finally, it snapped and the Rift was no more.

 

Questioningly I looked at Solas. “I theorized the mark might be able to close the rifts, and it seems I was correct.” I looked at my glowing hand, still stunned from the very strange feeling, too shocked to utter a word. I had come out of this fight alive. This was more than I had hoped for. My hands started shaking right in front of me. I tried to hide it, but Solas was still watching my marked hand curiously and now the rest of me as well. Would the Hero have been afraid of a few measly demons? I was a puzzle to be solved, it seemed.

 

“Good to know, here I thought we would be ass-deep in Demons forever.” Our favorite dwarf entered the stage. Looking up from his glorious chest hair I saw his stubbly face and sparkling eyes. “Varric Tethras, Rogue, Story-Teller and occasional unwelcome tag along. And you´re the most famous Grey Warden, Hero of Ferelden and mighty defeater of the blight?” Varric tried to go for unimpressed but I could almost see his fingers twitching with the need to write my story and not only the one still to come.

“Nice to meet you Varric.” _Notice how never anyone asks my name? It´s not like I changed it to Warden the moment I joined_. “Let´s go on, we need to close the breach.” Cassandra urged us. Having met my whole Team, we went up the mountain. After many, many, many steps we reached finally the camp. _Oh, no, I´m going to be meeting Leliana now. She will surely see I´m not “myself”. What do I do?_

I dreaded meeting her but had to go forward. At least chancellor Roderick was the dick he always had been. Spatting about chaining me, no matter my title, I was responsible for the explosion after all, and a mage to boot. Leliana looked at me like a hawk. Like she knew something was not quite right, but she was not sure as to what means. “Warden Surana, it is a pleasure to meet you after such a long time again.” Her voice sounded icy, her eyes promised me pain should I hide anything and for some moment I saw grieve flicker over her face. “Leliana,” I bowed lightly, going for polite rather than close friendship, _who knew what had happened between them, in the end she had been killed by my hands_ , “it has been ages. I´m sorry we have to meet again under such unfortunate circumstances.” _I hoped our conversation was over and I would not give me away_.

 

_Good thing there was still a horde of demons trying to conquer the Frostbacks_. I felt almost bad thinking that. And I still had to choose between the mountain path or helping Cullen on the front. Already dreading the stairs and ladders, I chose the mountain. Not as many demons there and we would be able to rescue some scouts, should I not fail. But the ladders…, it seemed my body and mind both hated ladders with a ferocity. When we finally reached the peak, panting in the thin air, Demons were waiting. Fighting without thinking about anything was really hard. A few times I accidentally regained focus and almost got hit or froze parts of me I didn´t intend to.

And the soldier´s corpses were there, I had seen dead people before, but those had been clean and whole, not mangled body, surrounded by red snow. _Don’t feel, don´t think_ , I chanted.

 

After saving those poor scouts and being able to breathe again after those ladders from hell, we finally reached the temple of sacred ashes. “I´m sorry about the lives lost here but not about this stupid temple being erased from existence” I muttered. I could quite well remember this dragon cult and their awful big-ass dragon from game, and even a few sudden glimpsed of the actual fight were provided by this body.

 

The temple itself was horrible. The stench of burned people everywhere, so much death was a shock. I was still not quite sure what I was seeing was real in any way but this could not be dreamed. This was even too horrible for reality. _Don’t feel, don´t think._

 

Finally reaching the breach we encountered the Visions showing us “the Elder One” and me interrupting his ritual. Finally, I would be able to see “myself”. I was an elven mage, being called Surana kinda gave that away. I had pale blonde hair, that seemed to be glowing and catlike blue eyes. Before seeing more, the Vision faded.

 

“We have to close the first Rift and hopefully that will stabilize the breach” Solas called out, nudging me towards the rift to open it. There comes the pride demon. _No Solas, I´m not talking about you_.

Pride was enormous and terrifying. Suddenly I was very glad Leliana was at my side with her wicked bow skills. Varric was good but Leliana´s aim was unmatched. I interrupted the rift with my mark, getting the same strange feeling of exchange like I did before. But what was being drawn from me and what did I get?

After a long fight, which I would not have survived without my companions luring the demon away so I could concentrate on the rift, I was finally trying to close it for good. This time it definitely felt like it was sucking my life force dry. I felt my strength dwindling. The rift snapped close and once I again, I fell unconscious.


	4. The Fade Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome in Dreamland
> 
> edited 18.07.17

This was becoming a real tiresome experience, blacking out permanently. I sure hoped I would not keep it at this rate.

I woke up surrounded by green. _The Fade_. Rocks, green bubbling puddles, fog, so much fog. After watching my surroundings for a moment, the picture became clearer. I saw a bright glow coming towards me, a Spirit, it beckoned me over with a body that barely resembled a torso with limbs.

 

It did not seem dangerous or malicious and the warden had been through her harrowing. _Nothing should happen, right?_

Following, I took just a few steps and suddenly stood in some kind of camp. There were tents erected and a happy fire in the middle.

A kettle with soup was hanging over it, furs lying around. It felt incredibly familiar. Like I had been spending a lot of time here. My body automatically went to one of the tents, knowing I would find my bed in it. It felt like home.

 

But I had never camped on earth? I was terrified of bugs.

 

Once I stepped out of the tent there was Alistair standing right in front of me, goofy Alistair playing around with Barkspawn. I laughed and joined them. Plotting how to aggravate Morrigan with something Mabari related. We joked and jumped around, always a quip on his lips and love in his eyes. I was so happy to see Alistair again. It had been ages since... since what? What had happened to Alistair, why could I not remember?

 

The Scene changed suddenly. I saw Barkspawn coming to me for the very first time, choosing me as his companion for life. Playing with me and protecting me in little skirmishes. Licking my face and trying to sneak crunches from my tent. My big puppy was with me again.

 

I blinked a tear from my eyes and suddenly I was sharing cookies with Sten. I had fetched some in Denerim. He called me Kadan and tried to hide the fact, that almost all the cookies were already empty. We were enjoying some peace and quiet. I closed my eyes.

 

My surroundings changed again, Wynne was standing before me, looking healthier than ever. She expressed her worry about my relationship with Zevran but told me she saw a love in his eyes and spirit she would not have expected.

 

I was on the verge of tears, happy tears. Seeing my friends again made me so happy.

 

And finally, Zevran showed up. Calling me “mi amora” and how beautiful I looked tonight. With a skittish smile, he touched the earring I was always wearing and kissed my neck. Whispering more “poems” of love in my ear until I couldn´t hold my laughter at their hilariousness any longer. We kissed and danced around the fire. Laughing and jumping around like little kids. It was perfect.

 

Somewhere along the lines I had realized this was all just happening in the fade but it felt like real memories, … like my memories. And the more I saw of them, the more I could remember my life. Not the life of the human girl. The life of the circle mage Surana. Growing up as a mage rather than an elf. Getting recruited by Duncan, finding Friends all over Ferelden, defeating the blight. I was not some feeble human girl, I was a grey warden!

 

I woke up for a few seconds, noticing in dim light I was in a hut. Just like it was supposed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a big thanks at everyone who left kudos for my horrible short chapters.


	5. second Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> please tell me if the pronouns are off somewhere, i heavily edited this chapter shortly before posting.  
> and thank you everyone for my kudos and your nice comments. (@queen_of_thedas you made my day)
> 
> edited 18.07.17

The Fade called me back after just a few seconds.

This time, my dreams were different. I was not in Thedas, I was on Earth, as it was supposed to be.

 

I was a human girl. I had just come back from the hospital. This morning my phone had rung and someone told me my Dad had had a heart attack. He had been taken to the nearest hospital, I was supposed to come there and soon.

 

I rushed, driving an hour from University. When I arrived, he was lying on a hospital cot unconscious. I had to wait a few hours.

 

My Dad never woke up again.

 

 

I had postponed our usual call with him the day before because I had wanted to spent time with friends and after all, I wanted to surprise him by coming home early this week for his birthday so what was the harm? We never talked again.

 

I went home. Everything was dark. On the kitchen desk stood a glass of peaches, our favorite dessert.

 

I sat at the kitchen table, unable to do anything. The dogs knew something was wrong. My friends and boyfriend came to me, the kitchen was full, but my heart felt empty.

 

Wasn´t I supposed to feel sad? Shouldn´t it hurt? I felt numb, hollow, useless, alone.

The days flew by. I cried a lot. The dogs were looking for their owner every day, not understanding why he would not come back home from work like always. Seeing them, I cried even more. Every morning I expected to be greeted in the kitchen I had grown up in. Every night I missed saying good night and still said it to the empty house.

I tried running away from reality. I had to arrange a funeral.

 

Growing up as a single child raised by a single parent gave me a great relationship with my dad. We were best friends and could talk for hours. But it also meant I was all alone now. Friends could not stay forever. I was alone and did not want to face reality. The horrible emptiness did not go away.

I escaped into video games, playing Inquisition. There was a place I could actually change the world, a place I was needed, a place I was not alone.

I saw every possible outcome the game gave us. It helped a little. As did cuddling with the dogs.

 

Soon my insight became blurry at the edges. The Scene ended and left me with a heavy feeling of dread and loss. I remembered those times and did not miss them.

 

But something was wrong. How could I have memories of two different lives? Why was I feeling like two persons rather than one?

 

I was once again in the Fade, surrounded by green fog. It seemed the spirit had shown me both memories.

“Hello, I am sorry to have left you confused when you woke up first. I am Devotion.”

 

I looked wary at the green translucent form in front of me. “What did you do? Why do I not remember? And what the heck are you? I´m not really in the frigging fade, am I?”

 

Devotion almost looked sad? As much as a being without facial features could look sad at least.

 

“You were needed at the conclave; the warden was needed. But it was too much. So much hurt , pain ripping, mins breaking. Fearful memories lost with an explosion, only a shell remained. Everything horrible vanished. A mind with holes, more than memories. I had to add something. I added you. But you are still you. You are just more now.”

 

“Wait, what? You, what... added me? You can´t just add one person to another!” I shouted frantically.

Reproachful, the spirit looked at me. “You were floating around, a soul without a body and the warden needed a soul. I helped.”

I really did not trust this sudden declaration but it seemed like it was already too late. I was possessing the warden. Hopefully nobody would ever suspect a thing like this.

 

Suddenly something struck me she had told. “Wait. Did you just say you lead the warden to the conclave? You lead US to Corypheus? You almost killed me!” I shouted at her. I was beyond furious.

“Images to follow, Intent. They were still them. And chose to follow. You only had to be added after. But even before that something was wrong.”

 

It seemed I was in a body with memories of two different lives, not one of these two lives had complete memories of even just one of them. I really did not know how this was supposed to help... Could the mighty warden loose so many fears to the nightmare? So much she broke? How was that possible?

And why was I in the Fade without memories of my own? How I had gotten there? Had I lost myself or was I becoming a new person?


	6. Letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited 26.07.17

I woke up with a start, too cautious to stay asleep when a door creaked. A small elf was in my room and jumped in surprise so hard her load clattered on the floor. “I´m incredibly sorry to have woken you up my lady!” she cowered fearful on the ground.

I wasn´t quite sure how to react in such a situation. People were usually not prostrating themselves before me. I tried to go for polite for now. “Please, stand up. I´m not going to hurt you.” I tried to reassure her but she just stared terrified at my face. I could see an unearthly green glow illuminating the room. “Your…., your eyes are glowing green.” she stammered and turned tail like I had wanted to eat her.

My eyes were glowing green? That´s not exactly normal, was it? Don´t tell me everyone could see my new abomination status clear as day?

In a hurry, I looked around the hut I had awoken in, maybe I could find a mirror somewhere.

 

Rummaging around, I found something resembling shoes and a cloak but no mirror. Maybe a bowl with water would work? I didn´t get a good look at my face so far, it would be nice to be able to see my _new_ face. To have my nervous breakdown now and not in front of others.

On a small windowsill, a bowl stood and I had enough luck to find a can of water as well. I almost knocked it over, my arms were so lanky now. Too thin, too small. My legs were the same, I was still stumbling around, expecting the floor to be farther away than it was.

Putting the filled bowl on a table, I cautiously sat down, careful not to spill it or look into the plane surface.

 

With my butt secured on a chair, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and leaned forward. A blue-eyed woman was staring back at me. Piercing blue eyes and a nose just a bit too long to be aristocratic, a bit too high cheekbones and surprisingly dark lips, pointed ears. This was not me, I couldn´t look like that, this was all wrong. My breath hitched, the blue eyes filled with horror and started glowing slightly, I was feeling dizzy. My expressions on a stranger’s face, on a glowing stranger´s face too boot. _It´s okay, calm down, deep breaths, it´s okay, you are hyperventilating, calm down. Breath in… breath out… in…. out…._ Slowly I felt like myself again, even if I didn´t look the part. This was me? At least my eyes were not glowing any longer.

 

I was not granted a long reprise from other people. A few minutes later Cassandra came into my room. _Huh, seems like the Hero of Ferelden doesn´t have to brave the masses all alone_. She did not look at me strangely so I just assumed my eyes hadn´t started doing the glowy shit again.

 

We made our way to the chantry, the awed masses were staring at me. _Breath in… breath out…_ It was creepy and highly unsettling. The warden was used to some people cheering at her for things she actually had done (at least my few warden memories still there, did) but being stared at for something that had just happened to me by accident was creepy. They all muttered like I could not hear them, like I was not just a meter away from them. Calling me the “Hero of Andraste”, so I already changed the title I was supposed to get. What else will change, I wondered.

 

Walking to the chantry took a lot longer than it should have. People tried touching me all the time, wanting me to bless their children.

Suddenly not caring any longer about my mage status or that I was supposed to have killed the divine. One rumor about being sent by Andraste and everyone worshipped me. I stood straight, held my head high, put on a polite smile and hoped nobody saw I was trembling from fear. I mostly ignored them, didn´t look into their eyes. I would not put on a circus act for people who would have tried to kill me in an instant, had I not been the Hero already.

And I bet some still were trying to get to me.

 

We finally made it to the chantry. Some chantry sisters were sneering at me. They did know who I was but requesting more circle freedom from Queen Anora had not made me many friends, at least I hoped the Warden had done that. I decided to just run around under the assumption the Warden I was inhabiting made the same choices I had made in my world state. I really hoped she was my Warden, looking the part did not mean she made the same decision.

 _Chancellor Roderick is going to love_ _me,_ I sighed internally, dimly remembering the anti-chantry pro mage talks I had with Wynne.

Inside the chantry it was eerily quiet. Not a single soul was in there. Was Leliana afraid of spies? Or was this some other kind of precaution?

 

I still had no memories regarding her but I felt like we left on good terms, I knew we did in the game. What had happened to her to hate her old friend instantly?

 

In the actual meeting room everything went as expected, Cassandra declared the Inquisition, telling me what they were doing and kinda just expecting me to help along. I had no real chance of telling them no, the Warden did not flee responsibility, it was simply expected. Josephine introduced herself after that. She really was as sweet as the games portrayed her. Leliana did not to tell me of her assignment, she only sent me a sharp look. I really did not know why she seemed to distrust me so much.

 

That left only Cullen. He reintroduced himself, rubbing his neck and with a pale face. I was his very first crush after all. But more important he had wanted me to kill all circle mages, the only family I had ever known because of something one mage did. I had hoped he would get better with time but then he had to go on a killing spree in my circle and went to Kirkwall, were things went even more downhill for him. _(Thank you for that picture scary accurate Origins memories)_

 

I was halfway put off seeing him here, but the other part of my memories also knew he wanted to redeem himself and had not been really in control at that time. Addiction could change people and Lyrium was just that. The anger won and I felt my magic crackling under my skin, ice shards were forming at my fingertips when he took a startled step backwards. I calmed myself down quickly, _Breath in… breath out… in…. out….,_ now was not the time for a fight.

I did not know if I could trust him with our forces to do good if I could not quite trust him myself. It seemed some strong feelings of the warden had stayed with me.

 

I saw all this guilt in his gaze. He could not bring himself to look me into the eyes, hunching not standing proud like he was supposed to be. He must feel horrible, even more after feeling my turmoil. I was a living, breathing reminder of everything he wanted to forget. I would have to see if that was something helping his cause or if the pressure would be too much for him.

 

We did not talk besides a short, entirely polite introduction. We traded looks and I left the chantry again. I was not quite sure what I should do now. But trying to talk to some inhabitants of haven seemed like a good idea.

 

So, there I was.

 

I wandered around the little Village, avoiding everyone who looked even just a little like he wanted to worship me. I needed some time to work through all the contradicting memories in my mind. Wandering outside of town towards the hut with the notes for Adan. I had not yet met him but knew about most the quests I would encounter. The smaller part of my mind also remembered vividly being a warden.

 

I was literally freaking out with only both halves of my brain going in different directions for that. What in retrospect made me freak out even more. My heart raced and I started hyperventilating. I felt a panic attack incoming. I felt like I would die of a heart attack right here in the snow but the strangest thing was that this all happened in my mind, my body did hardly react at all. My heart was pounding in an almost steady pulse. The warden´s body did not give in easily.

 

I felt like I was getting crazy.

 

 

Maybe I should just accept the fact I now had two lives to remember. My dreams would never be dull again, so much was sure. I was an elf in Thedas, I was a freaking mage, I was the Grey Warden and at the same time I still felt like a girl from earth.

 

I decided to stop worrying about my own brain. I was just confusing me further. I would be the Grey Warden, I would be the freaking Hero of Ferelden. I would use the memories I had from the game together with the still remaining memories from this body and use them to stay alive. If this was my life now, I would get used to this freaking short, stumbling body, to this hellish tingly feeling lyrium and mages gave me, to people staring at me. _I would survive_. And I would grab Devotion and shake them until they told me how to get to my freaking home again.

 

I wandered even further, noticing the logging stand and a small herd of Druffalo. It looked so peaceful and if I imagined the Druffalo to be cows, almost like home. I sat down and started crying. I grew up in a small village between the woods and it felt all so familiar. I missed my home.

But at the same time, I had grown up behind always closed windows and big walls, between magic and books.

And I had lost both homes, I knew that much. I felt the tears trickle down my face, it felt all so strange. My human memories were louder than my elven ones but it felt like they were dimming every minute, feeling like things I had read in a book.

 

After crying for some time, a crow landed at my side. It was hopping towards me with a small note at his ankle. It did not look like one of Leliana´s messenger birds from what I could tell, it was at least not as creepy as the game depicted them. Petting it´s head lightly, I took the little note and it flew away without a moment’s notice. The message looked oddly familiar, the letters in a swirly handwriting I remembered in a way. Suddenly my mind was reliving memories of Zevran. A lot more vividly than in my dream last night.

The other part of me blushed furiously, feeling emotions for someone I had never met personally. I felt love for the little smirk he had when I started heading for him in camp, I recalled the way he looked while asleep and mumbled little things in antivan. I felt tenderness for a man I had never known. Just as suddenly my flashback ended, leaving me with a crumpled note in my hands.

 

“Mi amora,

 

I am very put off you decided to venture to the conclave without me. You could not have waited, no? My humble self is still being delayed in Antiva. It is so dull without you.

But I will get to your side as fast as possible without assassins on my heels. And I am very interested in your reasons for leaving me alone in a cold bed.

 

Yours always,

Z.”

 

I felt myself flush reading my beloved words. But _UhOh_ , this was bound for doom. If nobody had solved my secret until his arrival, the one who had been closest to the warden surely would. And how would a former crow, still active assassin, react to news of the possession of his one and only true love by a spirit? I was dead, my body just did not know yet.


	7. images of the past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for your encouraging words. It makes writing so much more meaningful, knowing people actually enjoy your creations.
> 
> edited 26.07.17

So, I sat on my weather worn tree log, watching the Druffalo grazing between the snow, contemplating my choices.

I could try running away from the breach and the Inquisition, but that may work for a week at most with Leliana on my heels.

I could try to act like the Warden, hoping my outer appearance would deceive everyone into believing I was her and the explosion made me a little eccentric,

or I could try faking memory loss.

 

That might actually work! I had been in a very big explosion, came into contact with (mostly) unknown magic, a bunch of lyrium and actually had lost a few memories. I could go for the whole amnesia thing, telling them I only knew bits and pieces.

 

But would they believe a story like that? Amnesia was not exactly well known in these ages. And I was supposed to be this almost unbreakable Hero who almost single handedly saved Ferelden. While I did not even remember what had happened in Awakening.

 

But with so many parts of the actual Surana´s story missing, I could not very well act like I had just gotten a little eccentric, could I?

 

So, how would someone with amnesia act? And how could I implement my alien knowledge into conversations without rousing everyone´s suspicion? I was a pretty forward person and disliked lying a great deal. It seemed I would need to learn evasion. Where was a “Evasion for Dummies” guide when you needed it?

 

Still sitting on my log, I noticed the sun going down. If I did not want them to go looking for me, I would have to return to Haven soon. Maybe I should just head to bed and try to solve my amnesia talk for tomorrow.

 

I sneaked into Haven without anyone seeing me. My greatest fear was Leliana but also what I should tell Varric should he ask me about my former adventures and Companions. Even my game memory was still missing bits and pieces. Did the nightmare take it? Did I just forget after all the time?

I was still not sure what had happened to me until I was “added”.

 

Well anyway, my attempt at sneaking was sorry. Haven was still alight and people were mingling but clearly on their way from work, heading home or to that sorry excuse for a tavern. I tried my best vanishing between shadows and crowds, marveling about the whole atmosphere. It was not quite medieval but also far from modern. People looked haggard and poorly nourished but still hopeful. I did not see signs of traveling diseases, magic and potions seemed to work a lot better than our medicine in those times. The chantry was standing above everything. And I knew Haven was not a big place, a holy place, sure, but I knew bigger cities were even more shaped in the shadows of those holy buildings.

 

Everything was covered in a film of snow, even the tips of my ears felt frozen. I hushed through Haven´s entrance and into my hut. If anyone saw me acting strange at least nobody bothered me. Relieved, I sat in front of the fireplace. A blessed soul hat lit it for me and it was quite comfy in my room. I just hoped nobody would barge in trying to interrogate me again. My body became warm, my hands tingled, me feet hurt a bit. In all my despair, I had never noticed how cold I had gotten already. Once I felt my limbs again, my bed called for me. I hoped the fade would spare me tonight.

 

Of course, it did not. I should learn shutting my mouth and not giving fate even more ideas how to torment me.

Devotion was standing right in front of me again. Not talking but showing me pictures. At first it looked like some kind of abstract painting or like a dog just knocked a bunch of paint buckets over but after a moment the flashing colors started building an image. Was that me? It did look a little like the warden I had created so many months ago playing Origins and saw this morning as a blurred image in the water reflection. High cheekbones and piercing blue eyes like a cat´s. A faint tattoo on her cheekbones to honor the Dalish origin no matter where Surana came from before the circle. A lithe body, not skinny but well trained, small hips and breasts but I WAS an elf after all.

 

I looked attractive, in a way. Not beautiful but these eyes and lips certainly had some kind of appeal. You just knew the person behind these features could kiss or kill you and walk away with a smile on her face either way.

These lips opened in astonishment together with mine, squeezed their eyes at the same time, twirled around.

But I did not recognize this as me at all! Everything was different, wrong. Eyes the wrong color, legs the wrong height. It may have been a good thing I was in the fade and not in front of a mirror. Here it seemed unreal enough for me not to freak out seeing a stranger mimic my movements. It seemed like a long time before I could stop looking at the _(my)_ image, touching my cheeks, playing with my hair. But it could have been only minutes as well, the fade was tricky with time.

 

Once I stopped looking at myself, I started noticing other things playing out around me. Were those the famous fade memories?

Shadows resembling Haven´s residents were mulling around, doing their everyday work. But I also saw a few people depositing the Urn of the sacred ashes in the temple in Haven. I could feel their need to protect it, to know it safe and secure.

 

Suddenly the images flashed and I could see myself, but a slightly younger version than the one I had seen just before. I was traveling with Morrigan, Alistair and Zevran. We looked ragged and tired but still joked around. We walked into the former Haven, trying to talk with the cult of Andraste but had to fight nonetheless. I followed myself through the temple and those stupid puzzles, though the bridge seemed to be an invention of the game developers. _Would have been crazy in real life anyway.  – Wait? Real life? Was this real life? Thedas life? –_ The memories edges blurred, I should try not to get distracted in the fade.

I saw us getting the ashes for Eamon and was glad the choices I had made in the game seemed to be the same here. Leliana was not to be seen and Zevran and my younger self were always shielding the other from potential harm.

 

The Fade memory ended when the other Version left Haven. The next Memory I would be able to see would most likely be the Explosion at the temple and I could live happily without seeing that again. I had to see the burning bodies when we climbed up, I did not want to see those people die in agony as well.

 

I tried leaving this part of the fade. Without Devotion, navigating in the Fade was a lot harder. I felt like a ship with broken sails but with some effort I managed to leave the Haven of old.

 

“I would not have thought there was another Dreamer in Haven. And such an infamous one, too.” Someone chuckled behind me. But it did not sound amused. The hair in my neck stood up instantly. Searching the owner of the voice, some distance away I saw a silhouette that looked familiar in a way I could not quite point out yet.

 

“Are you the mage that helped me close the rifts. Solas, if I remember right?” I was glad this body didn´t jump as easily as my old one. The man in front of me was powerful. It would not do to show him weaknesses.

“Indeed.” he seemed confused about my presence. “Have you always been a Dreamer, Warden?” the dread wolf asked me very politely, too polite. Was he actually asking if his anchor made me a dreamer? Was this the point where he started suspecting his magic had changed me? I could not let him know I knew his motives and the origin of the Orb. But I felt the fade already starting to change, reacting to my emotions, red and blue swirled around me and a green dot in the midst, I tried to concentrate on something else, but now it was swirling in dark grey and blue colors, trying to form images where I refused to use words.

“I would prefer to talk in the waking world.” I replied in the same overly polite but distant tone. “If you want to talk, please meet me tomorrow afternoon, thank you very much.” With that I departed, maybe a bit more hurriedly than was wise.

After a lot of stumbling, dead ends and spirits that ignored my presence, I found my little hut in the fade and did not move nor travel the remaining night.


	8. Mages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, updates will be slow for a while.  
> If anyone wants to know why. This is the reason: Queen of Scores http://archiveofourown.org/works/8000395/chapters/18315142  
> Writing two stories at the same time doesn´t really work for me and the other one really has captured me so far. So if you want to bypass waiting time, check it out. Thanks for your patience.
> 
> edited 26.07.17

The next morning, I woke up very disgruntled, not only did I experience half of havens history last night, my privacy had been invaded as well.

The only light beam in those dark times was the cup of hot tea and the hearty breakfast the terrified elf brought me shortly after sunrise. She still refused to meet my eyes, and I was not enough of a person in the morning to try and change that fact.

 

I was still a little shaken from my nightly encounter. Walking around the hut with my hot tea in both hands, I contemplated how to deceive a trickster god. Absentmindedly, I blew at my hot tea and was startled when I suddenly felt ice between my hands. I had frozen my tea! Shit, I had totally forgotten about the magic part of the Surana origin!

Well, not forgotten. I felt the aura of other mages. It tingled if I met them, sometimes it was a nice tingle, similar to a short hug, at other times it felt strange. Solas tingle I had not enough time to evaluate. I wished, I had been more attentive when we met. But actual, real magic still felt like something from a fantasy realm… Shit, I was drinking tea in just such a realm right now. _Or not, looking at my frozen tea._

 

My muscle memory seemed to remember most things but only if I was fighting for my survival, things like wanting to cool my tea down seemed not to be impregnated in the mind of the warden. I had to learn to control my magic myself it seemed.

 

But first I had been told to meet the leaders of the Inquisition at the chantry after breakfast. Did they want another interrogation?

They would have to wait a little I decided, as I took a look at what Thedas thought were proper clothes. Never had I thought I would have to struggle with breast bands and foot wraps. And struggle I did. After almost half an hour of cursing and everything just loosening again after I thought I got it right, I was finally clothed enough to go outdoors.

 

Now I would have to brave Leliana. I should just tell her about the whole memory loss thing. She was way too good and knew her friend the Warden way too well to believe any other story I could come up with. Why did I ever think I could deceive her?   
She would send her crows after me, picking my eyes out, if she ever found out I had been lying. With a deep breath, I left the hut.

 

In the chantry, I was greeted with a soft smile and a hug. I was terrified, she was only ever this nice if she wanted to stab you, preferably with a spoon to make it hurt more.

“My dear Warden, we have some questions for you. Would you please come along and answer them?” The glint in her eyes hardened the moment we stepped through the war room door and her hold on my arm tightened uncomfortably.

 

Josie and Cullen were already waiting, looking uncomfortable at the way she was treating me. She was not exactly polite right now. I tried to open my mouth and tell her about the memory loss and that I, the Warden, did not know much anymore, but I could not utter a single word. I was frozen with fear and Leliana was almost smiling again, knowing she was right, something was off with her old friend.

 

“Could we please talk in private for a moment?” I stuttered in a small voice. Suddenly I knew I could never pull an elaborate plan like memory loss off but I sure as hell would not tell any Templar, former or not, that I was currently possessing the Warden. We were interwoven, a smite would kill us both or at least be really, really uncomfortable. Leliana gave me a short nod and all but threw the other two out. I was top priority now. Cullen looked angry at that treatment but Josie lead him out of the room after an affirmative glance from Leliana.

 

“Now Warden, tell me what happened to you. Because one thing I know for sure, you are not the Warden I have met so many years ago. Don´t even try to tell me anything else. You don´t talk like her, you don´t walk like her, and you did not set Haven´s chantry on fire at sight. You are not my Warden.” Leliana´s voice was thick with emotion. I took a deep breath and started telling. I was a spirit, I felt my eyes starting to glow, the stress was getting to me. Her hold on my arm tightened to painful, but I did not stop talking. I was no abomination, I was also not possessing a corpse. But while the shell had been active, the mind had been empty. That the fade had shown me what happened and might happen and that I was here to help.

With every word I uttered, the redheaded spy looked more defeated. I was just telling her how one of her dearest friends died and she was probably looking for the fault in her own actions. “I´m sorry Leliana. I am not the Warden, not the real one at least. But I want to help you all, if you will let me.” I finished my story in a small voice.  I could not even try to comprehend her feelings of loss

 

I thought I saw almost a single tear being shed by her, then her face suddenly looked blank and professional again. A scary change. “The others may never know of this. The people would turn on you if they knew they worshiped an abomination. We need a plan. I will tell Josie about your state but it might be better for Cullen to be in the unknown for now. It was wise of you to talk to me first. And even wiser not to try to lie to me.” Her eyes were like steel and her grip still didn´t loosen until she went to get Josie.

 

She sent Cullen away for a few hours, entirely ignoring his protest, telling him to calibrate the trebuchets or whatever he did in his free time, reassuring him everything would be told once the situation was clear but now only girls were allowed. He turned beet red and staggered away.

 

Josie was only told that I had severe memory loss and needed to learn almost everything and may have been touched by a spirit while in the fade. The two girls talked for hours. We needed a plan. Everyone would notice after some time I was inexperienced in the battle field, I did not know about political matters, hell, I would not even be able to find my way in the Hinterlands! After I told them about my accidental freezing of my tea cup they were worried all the more. Before we could start out anywhere to help the people, I would need to learn to control my magic. I was even more dangerous than any normal untrained mage, since my body still remembered most of the spells the warden had used, that much was clear from my first few fights. I had shattered enemies with cages of force and static, I had called out blizzards with the tips of my fingers. I would need a powerful trainer but also one nobody would notice and who would not tell anyone the Warden needed private tutoring.

 

After some deliberation, the girls decided to follow my actual plan, telling everyone I had lost some memories in the explosion and thus not to worry should I behave strangely at times or forget important matters. After all, being touched by Andraste would leave some marks, wouldn´t it?

I hated being used like that. They used my misery to further the believe in me but I could hardly do anything against it.

 

First of all, we needed a mage to tutor me. Of course, the first suggestion was Solas, but I did not trust him at all. Leliana wanted to know why, while Josephine just took notes. I wondered how many of those were actually intel for Leliana. Why didn´t I trust Solas, especially since I seemed to know some things about him? Thankfully they respected a “If I have to learn I need to be comfortable around my teacher.”

But Anders might be a possibility, if he was still alive. He had known the Warden for some time and knew what possession was about. Maybe he would not be all that thrilled to be found by the Inquisition but I hoped they would treat him respectfully… And hide him from Cassandra.

Of course, he was not actually unassuming and widely searched for, but I believed not many knew his actual face and he was the best spirit mage I had ever known of and since my warden seemed to be formed after my play-through I would be a spirit mage as well.

Reflecting my statement for a moment they decided.

 

We would need Varric on our side.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *tock* *tock* Hello? Anybody there?  
> NO? Well, I wanted to apologize for my prolonged absence. I never wanted to leave you all out in the cold the whole winter. I hope nobody has catched a bug and is still fine.
> 
> edited 26.07.17

Leliana decided it would be best if I approached the dwarf alone. He did not trust the chantry or the Seeker, no wonder after what Cassandra did to his book.

 

I walked over to his dedicated spot at the campfire, unsure how to approach him. Thankfully, he was the kind of guy every person with social anxiety needed, opening up the path for conversation easily. “So, Griffon, how are you holding up? I know you have been through some shit but this feels like a totally new kind of chaos even for me and I have been in Kirkwall when the Qunari attacked.”

 

I had to smile, this dwarf knew how to be charming and he was the very first one to actually ask after my wellbeing. He did not know the original Warden, it felt like I could relax a little for the first time since waking up.

 

“Griffon it is? Not very original?” I grinned. “But at least I´m not just the warden or the Hero, it´s a nice change.”

Varric looked at me with sad eyes, “I know. Hawke felt like that too at the end.”  
“Leliana told me you were in Kirkwall and met other Wardens there? Cassandra didn´t know much more about it. It´s still strange for me to think of them as actual beings strolling through Ferelden sometimes. It had been so long.”

 

Varric took a more comfortable sitting position and I knew it was story time now.

“I shit you not, we have seen some crazy things, maybe not quite as crazy as an archdemon, mind you, but still. I bet the Seeker told you most of it already before she sent you to me, Hawke fled Lothering, some shit came down in Kirkwall and we ventured into the deep roads, we found one of your fellow Wardens to support us in this endeavor and got locked in. Some more shit came down and the Qunari started attacking Kirkwall. Then a chantry exploded, a few templars became crazy and shit got more down. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot we met a few other Wardens as well, a nice fellow called Stroud and a sourly fellow called Howe. The second one talked about you I think.”

 

I chuckled, I bet nobody had ever summarized more than 9 years in such a fashion. And I noticed Varric had not called Anders by name. Was he protecting the “infamous apostate”? My Hawke had romanced him and protected him until the end, no matter how hurt she was by his betrayal, once she swore fealty to someone she would be loyal until her end.

 

“I bet you have heard already, you seem like the sort to have ears all over, my memories are jumbled since the explosion but I knew Nathaniel, I persuaded him into joining the Wardens after he tried killing me, now that I think about it, I may have a habit of traveling with people that wanted to kill me at some time.”

I chuckled, I did not yet know the true Zevran but I loved the in-game one. I had started a whole new playthrough, left Alistair and had been captivated by the elf who thought nobody would ever truly love him.

 

Suddenly my emotions started trying to flee the little cupboard I had locked them into, so I would not break down, I was terrified again, _what was I doing here, acting like the Warden, like I knew what I was talking about!_

“Varric, may I call you Varric or would you prefer Master Tethras?” after an affirmative nod I continued, “Actually I wondered about a fellow warden called Anders. I was told he traveled with the Champion.”

I saw him stiffen momentarily, “Did the Seeker put you up to this? I know they are searching for this pair of apostate Lovers far and wide but as long as I have a say in it, I will tell everyone again and again I don´t know where they are.” Varric really was a loyal friend. I just hoped he would be loyal to me in the end as well.

“I knew Anders, actually, I was the one to conscript him into the Grey Wardens, I simply wanted to know if he yet lived.”

 

Varric sighed, “Sorry for my outburst, too many people asked me this lately, some even stabbing my book” I chuckled at that, “and I swore when they left, I would protect them. Not that they told me where they went. The way Hawke knows her directions, I would bet they are in the opposite direction of their actual destination anyway.” he laughed, with sadness still in his eyes. I did not prod any further, I did not want to hurt the dwarf and it was clear he would or could not tell me about Anders until he was ready to tell us Hawke´s whereabouts. He was fiercely protecting his friends.

 

“You know, Anders was a decent fellow, he was taught in the Ferelden circle as well and I was surprised meeting him again. When he had to decide between templars and wardens, he choose the second, so I was never sure if he was happy with his choice. But he certainly was a big flirt.” That made Varric chuckle. I hoped I had lightened his mood a little and decided finding Anders was a dead end for now. I wouldn´t have known where to start, anyway.

 

With dread, I turned around to tell Leliana I had failed and would accept Solas as my teacher. Hiding from him would be near impossible and even if I did convince him I was the real thing, he hated the wardens. No matter, my lessons would be unforgiving.

 

“You know Griffon, someday I would like to hear the whole story from your point of view. I bet it would sell spectacularly.” Laughing, I went away, just to get intercepted by Cullen.

 

The former templar was still not looking in my eyes but seemed to be seething. Was he mad we kicked him out of the war-room? “Hero, I know we have a rough past, but I hope your opinion towards me is not biased because of what had happened ten years ago.” He spoke through gritted teeth.

It must have taken him a vast amount of bravery to talk to me so openly.

“I will try to think without prejudice once you do the same, templar.” I smiled sweetly instead of baring my teeth but he looked like a snake had just bitten him. He was still heavily biased against mages and their power, dismissing them as equal beings and maybe because I had lived a life of equality I could stand this attitude even less then maybe the actual Hero would have.

“Excuse me now, I have to talk to Leliana.” I strutted away, without a glance back. I liked Cullen in game but he still had many things to learn and needed help to see his path.

 

A few hours later, Leliana had asked Solas to teach me, telling him the story of my memory loss, hoping the best. As soon as the Spymaster was gone, I felt a calculating look on my back. “I was surprised to meet someone else in the Fade. You are a dreamer as well, I would not have thought to meet another one, an elf at that. Have your powers always been this dominant?”

 

I groaned, “Did you not listen right now? I don´t remember most of the things and the things I do remember are all jumbled together.” Solas looked disappointed, like I was refusing to play fetch and led me into the woods to train.

 

First, he wanted to see what I remembered as long as I was not in imminent danger, the answer was devastatingly simple, nothing.

I could not even put up a barrier never mind attacking anything.

 

Once, I puffed up some snow with a spell, though I had no clue what I did. The air felt jittery to me, I thought I had to catch these jitters and use them but how do you catch air? Maybe I needed to feel them more, be their conduit?

 

I sat down in the snow, not caring for Solas or the cold in that very moment. I needed magic to survive and I would learn to control it. Once my eyes were closed the world felt brighter, I did not only hear more, I could feel Solas moving behind me, I felt the energy rippling around him in curiosity, the birds in the trees were chirping and somewhere away druffalos were milling around. It felt incredible, did every mage feel so connected? I had felt auras before, but it was a small tingle, like a feather, not so clear like this. I was a part of nature, I felt the snow, the birds.

 

Suddenly the jittering was slowing down around me, caressing my skin, I felt every nerve but it was not uncomfortable, on the opposite, I wanted more. I felt energized, no cup of coffee had ever done what these few minutes meditating had achieved. With bright eyes I stood up again, something had made click in my brain the moment I had gotten new mana, holding a ball of ice in my hands, I turned around to Solas smiling.

 

“It seems I´m not totally useless.” The other elf was staring astounded, “The way you had started, da´len, I had not expected you to know how to draw mana from your surroundings.” So, I had not found the fade? I was disappointed but at least I had a little magic now. On my prodding, our resident fade expert told me about the fade and mana and how some mages learned to draw from nature itself, it usually took them longer, since the fade was much more powerful but it was a lot safer since there were no demons in nature herself. And everything, absolutely everything on the surface had a very slight connection to the fade. Channeling mana this way, made them the gatekeeper between me and the fade. Not as fast as getting it from the source itself, but stronger and more in tune with yourself. It seemed, I only had to take care not to take from other mages. That might hurt them and was downright rude as well. The chantry did not teach that because nature magic was a lot harder to dispel than fade magic and the Dalish seemed to have forgotten about it. Had the Forest Spirit taught the warden more than she had even known?

 

Now that I could feel my own magic better, I tried going for a spell. Ice came easiest to me, so I would go with that for now. Concentrating on my unmarked hand, I watched the snow form around my hand with wide eyes. This was really fun and so pretty! It seemed I had a natural inclination towards ice magic. I was a little disappointed I would not let my enemies cower in fear, running from the inferno I unleashed, but on the other side simply freezing everything seemed a lot less messy, right?

 

Playing around with the ball of ice, I had all but forgotten about the elf standing at my side. “We now know you remember a little about your powers. Now, we need to know how you react under stress.” he said with an evil glint and promptly threw a fireball at me.

My first reaction was to duck but I knew I would never be fast enough and I had always been afraid of burns. My instincts took over once again and I erected an ice wall around me. _All_ around me. I noticed my mistake the moment I knew I was no longer in danger. I cursed, deliberately in thedosian style, “Fen´harel´s hairy nutsack, I caged myself in my own ice. A little help, oh mighty master of fire?”

 

A chuckle later some of the ice was molten and I could walk through the mud towards a laughing and slightly blushing elf. In game he never really laughed, I must have been really funny, or maybe he hated city elves not as much? No, I was a warden, he was supposed to dislike me on principle.

 

Skidding on the mud I muttered, “I would like to see you create magic without any kind of memories about it.” With that my lesson for today was officially finished, at least I deemed it so and stomped away, still muttering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can´t promise I will update regularly but I will try to continue this story.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can´t tell you guys how happy I was to see some of you still following and reading this story after all that time. So happy you got another chapter out of the buzz.  
> I hope my writing style didn´t change too much. The last chapter was already a little older, this one is brand new.
> 
> edited 26.07.17

A recruit was waiting for me at Haven´s Gate. "Sister Nightingale wishes to speak with you." _Oh God! Did she change her mind? Was I deemed too dangerous and would be disposed of silently?_ The world would be told the Mark hat eaten me and they would continue fighting against an unstoppable force.

I sighed, I really should stop panicking at everything. There´s no sense in worrying about things you can´t change. With my voice as steady as ever, _this body was really irritating at times, never showing a thing of my inner turmoil_ , "Lead the way, Recruit."

Leliana was not alone in the Chantry. Cassandra, Cullen and Josephine were all waiting for me. I hoped Cassandra didn´t suspect me of being an abomination, that would go about as well as Cullen knowing. They could start a club and call it, "Kill all the abominations, even if they are trying to help" I bet Anders and Cole would be fast unwitting participants.

Looking around suspiciously I saw a small encouraging smile on Josephine´s lips. She really was too nice for this world. And so, so beautiful. The first time I had started the game I had already lost myself to her.

_So, nobody wanted to kill me? They wouldn´t do that in front of her and get blood on her dress._

Cullen still looked like a scolded child. With his head hanging low and shoulders hunched. I wished I could trust him, but trust has to be earned and my inner Warden really bristled at his sight. Redemption was one thing but acting like nothing happened whole another. It hurt to know people were so fast to trust a former accessary of Meredith while every single mage had to prove their trustworthiness over and over again and would still be shunned.

Cassandra mostly looked restless. We hadn´t been to the Hinterlands yet. She saw me enter the room and came closer. A lot gentler than the game portrayed her but I was something of a hero for her and not just some apostate, that might have helped.

"Warden, Leliana told me you suffered some head trauma that induced memory loss after the explosion. I´m sure you were injured when you tried to save our most Holy. I am sorry you cannot recuperate but we have to start our travels now. The Inquisition was claimed reborn, but we have no horses, no men and no _political_ power." The last she said with a sneer, she really disliked the game. "We got word of a horse-master in the Hinterlands. The Inquisition can´t spread their word walking."

I had to chuckle, "Certainly would take some time to reach Orlais that way." I so hoped to hear one of her patented disgusted huffs, she was visibly annoyed by my unserious attitude, but it seemed she respected the Warden too much for that. Well, I would get one out of her and travelling with Varric would help a lot on that front.

"When do we start?" I asked Leliana and was told tomorrow morning they would throw me to the wolves, or more likely bears, we were talking about the Hinterlands after all.

It was already late afternoon, I had trained for quite some time with Solas and I could start feeling the drain on my body if not mana. This sucking energy from the nature/surrounding thing certainly seemed to come in handy, even if I barely understood it. I wondered if templars could stop my magic. Even if they cut my connection from the fade my mana wouldn´t suffer, or would it? I still would prefer not to have to fight against templars, or anyone at all. But I suspected that wish wouldn´t be fulfilled.

Back in my little hut, dinner was waiting for me near the fire. They did not have enough mages to put a heating rune on it. Mages were needed for more important things, like healing soldiers.

So, I sat down and ate my lukewarm soup. I was sad, the little elf who had woken me was not there but she would have been afraid of me anyway. I would have liked to talk to someone who was not trying to kill me or figure out my secrets. But who knew, she could be a Spy for the Dread wolf and I would never know.

My mind was tired. This world gave me too much to comprehend.

I had a new body and was still stumbling sometimes. The tininess of my hands was throwing me off and the fact those hands could create ice shards from nothing wasn´t exactly helpful for my sanity as well.

There was a spirit hounding me in my dreams, "trying to help", who had just found me drifting around unknown parts of the fade; the resident fade expert found out I was a dreamer and looked at me like he wanted to dissect me as soon as possible.

Yeah, life really had been a bit much lately.

I soon fell asleep.

My dreams were fire and screams. A monster was looking at me, screeching my name, hovering over me, engulfed in flames. Alistair was at my side, trying to shield me, Zevran was lying unconscious behind us. Alistair gave me one last sad look and stormed forward, right towards the monster, "In Death sacrifice!". The Demon died. The blight was over, and my friend dead.

Around me everyone was celebrating, I was called the Hero of Ferelden, the Nobility had conveniently forgotten that the true Hero was dead, burned in the fires of the archdemon. Not even his Armor could be found. I had to stay strong, to smile and shake hands. After a few minutes or centuries Zevran was at my side. Still injured and limping but there. "It´s time for a little private celebration, no, mi amora?".  He took my hand and gave the surrounding nobles a sultry look. He was leading me away into an unused room and held my crying body. He was keeping me in one piece when I was falling apart.

I noticed, I was seeing myself from third perspective suddenly and Devotion was standing at my side. "The warden … more fragile than people wanted to believe. Alone and afraid. The archdemon screamed for her every night. So many fears, nightmare left behind a shell, empty and without life. Breathing and sitting and walking without fire, her wall of ice had been shattered in the cruellest way and the little girl behind had lost herself.

Like your walls had been broken … for too long, raw and hurting, emotions in the fade. You wouldn´t have been able to live much longer in such a state. I hope you can learn to love your new life, the old is lost. Maybe help. The one not fitting, never fitting, until he did."

With that the dream faded and I was sitting on a green glowing rock with tears in my eyes.

When we came back from the Hinterlands, Zevran would surely be in Haven. I did not want to break his heart. The warden was his heart.

And now his heart was empty.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited 26.07.17

I was glad the bugging fade elf wasn´t visiting today. I could wallow in self-pity all I wanted. Demons were not approaching but who should they possess? This mage had already been rented.

The next day was starting too soon and my mood was sour. I would deceive everyone. If I died on account of incompetence or lived and lied for the rest of my days didn´t matter.

After a quick breakfast and a not quite so quick struggle with my clothing. _Did I really have to wrap my breasts? They were tiny, they wouldn´t be in the way, would they?_ But I didn´t want to risk it, sitting on a horse all day might be some form of torture all on its own.

The group was waiting for me at the stables with sorriest excuse of horses I had ever seen. They were old and grey, too thin and looked like a fully armoured fighter would be too much to bear for them. "Are you sure we should ride those poor animals?" I asked Cassandra, who was just trying to get on her horse. It looked far from pleased and I went over to pat it softly. "Poor little grandma, they really need to be more serious about the retirement age for horses." I cooed, and almost, Almost!, got a disgusted noise out of Cassandra. She walked towards my side and examined the horse closer., "You might be right. They are very old and it may be better for them just to carry the tents and not us as well. We really need the horse-master. Without him the Inquisition will come no further than Redcliffe." I chuckled, "Don´t worry, these feet have walked to Redcliffe more times than you could imagine, they will manage once more."

"You, Griffon, are my new favourite person present!" Varric exclaimed and walked a little too fast away from the horse. He looked decidedly more cheerful, now that he wouldn´t have to ride on a _beast_.

"I bet you are happy to keep connected to the stone on your feet, Mr. Dwarf!" I shouted back. That almost got a real chuckle out of Cassandra. Varric´s expression of horror was certainly amusing enough. Solas was standing a little at the side, clad in traveling gear. A silent watcher, just as always.

"Well kids, are you ready?" I asked the round, gleefully noting his frown at being called a kid. "Let´s get going."

I was so glad this body was used to long foot marches and winter. While Solas was heating his clothing with runes, I seemed to have so much an affinity for ice, it just didn´t feel as cold, or maybe I was just numb all over. However, we made good time and would be at the outpost in the Hinterlands in two days.

"So, Griffon, I bet you have many stories to tell." Varric asked with a writer´s glint in his eyes. Oh, how he would have loved the invention of recording devices and voice mail.

"Well, Mr.Dwarf, let me think. Have you ever been to the deep roads? Don´t tell me, your face tells me you have. I once ventured with a Golem into the Cadash thaigh. And you would never believe what we found. Not only ancient dwarfen artifacts, but also traces of ancient elves. It was utterly fascinating. It seemed they fled there after the Imperium destroyed Arlathan and formed an alliance with the dwarf of the family Cadash. If we only had had more time and a few scholars, we might have found a way to find Arlathan itself." I heard Solas scoff behind me. "Aralathan was destroyed thousands of years ago, no mere scholar could ever hope to find it."

"Oh, have you tired?" I inquired with a raised brow. "It would be without cause to further such a fruitless endeavour. I have seen Arlathan´s fall in the fade. You can´t find what doesn´t exist anymore." he answered, a bit snottily if I may say so.

I did not want to argue right at the beginning of our journey and ignored his almighty attitude.

We walked towards the Hinterlands. Varric was chipper and talking a lot about Hawke´s adventures. Cassandra was looking around, expecting an ambush at any minute and Solas seemed to be sulking. He was walking behind us but I could feel his aura at times.

I had now time to contemplate a few things. I was in Thedas, I was an elf, a mage and a Grey Warden. Quite a list of things people would hate me for. I still had to learn how to fight properly, how to control my newfound powers. Fighting was one thing, it was easy as long as I kept my mind clear, ingrained into this very being, but the small things were not. What if I set our camp on fire, trying to light a torch? What would happen if I was injured? What would Cullen do once he noticed I was an abomination? What would Zev do?

But besides the obvious problems this life was confronting me with, it was also the single biggest chance it could have offered. I had the power to really change something, to help people or be their ruin.

Just as I was drifting deeper into power phantasies, I heard Cassandra´s shout. "Something´s in the bushes!" I had been walking in the front and saw the rustling. A big brown shadow was storming towards me, barking like mad, before any of the others could react. The big, slobbering mabari was storming towards me and toppled me over, the others almost tried attacking him.  I was surprised but for some reason did not fear this beast. He was licking my face, barking and jumping like a puppy. A flitting image passed my mind, I remembered my first dream of Surana´s life. The camp and the mabari. _This_ mabari! "Barkspawn!" I laughed and hugged him tight. He nuzzled my neck and sneezed a few times, with a confused look on his face. He looked like he was not yet sure whether to be happy or growl.

I looked like his warden but smelled like more. He was the first one to notice so soon. After a few seconds, he decided to be happy. It seemed like I had passed some kind of unspoken test. And I got a dog as present.

My team was still very unsure but no longer trying to attack the mabari. Cassandra sheathed her sword after she heard me laugh and Varric looked like he wanted to bring this reunion to paper as soon as possible. The mighty warden, sitting in the dirt, with slobber all over, hugging a mabari as big as herself. A true hero of Ferelden.

Solas looked disgusted.

"Well guys, meet Barkspawn, the mighty slayer of Orcs. Barkspawn, meet Cassandra, Varric and Solas. Don´t put any mice in their shoes, they prefer lizards." I grinned mischievously, mabari were quite clever dogs, this would be fun. And finally, I got a disgusted huff out of Cassandra! This day would be a good one.

Once I had cleaned myself a little we walked once again, this time with a playful dog at our side. And Cassandra seemed much less tense, knowing his ears and nose would notice bandits way before anyone of us could

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m trying a new writing Program and am not yet familiar with the spell checking, so I apologize if this chapter wouldn´t make it through primary school.  
> And I have no Idea how old mabari can get but a warden without mabari is just half as funny.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Revision is finished. I recommend rereading my older chapters but I can assure you nothing impacting the storyline has been changed.
> 
> To celebrate that, I present you a new, short chapter. But hey, better than nothing ;)

The Hinterlands were underwhelming. I imagined wide plains and hills, grass and nugs and fennecs Barkspawn would hunt. In reality, it was wet and windy. The Streets were poorly kept and more wilderness than actual civilization. This body was still not feeling the cold but I already knew, the storm coast would be no fun.

 

We were greeted by a cheerful dwarf named Harding and groaned in unison at Varric´s horrible pun, then made camp. It was dark and cold. We would look for Giselle tomorrow. Everyone in the camp was staring at me, The Grey Warden, Hero of Ferelden and Hero of Andraste. Everyone knew my face, my story, where I did not.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Whispers at my back made me skittish, my place at the campfire was always with my back to a tree. Nobody could ambush me this way. My elfen ears would hear anyone who came near. Or so I thought. Suddenly someone was breathing right at my left side and proved my assumption wrong. I startled and had already a shard of ice in my hands, when I realized Solas had approached me. “I´m sorry to have startled you, Warden. We did not yet have time to talk about your adventures and how you are dealing with your lack of memories and newfound responsibilities in terms of controlling your magic.” He pointedly looked at the ice shard in my hand, that I couldn´t let go off, _no, it was not frozen to my skin, why do you ask?_ His head was curiously tilted, eyes glinting in his quest to solve this new riddle I was.

 

My back straightened, I was no fucking riddle, well I was, but not his to solve. And how did he think I felt, no memories and in a new body? A body people wanted to kill, an elf and a mage. And an abomination to boot. I would have loved to shout exactly that at him. His stupid anchor was the reason I was here, the reason the sky was broken and had to be mended at hundreds of murky, demon infested places. My breathing accelerated, the world was tinted green at the edges. _Shit no, not the thing with the eyes. No, no, no!_

 

He sat down next to me, seemingly oblivious to my internal struggle, but kept silent long enough to let me calm my thoughts again. Oh no! Had my eyes actually started glowing while I had ranted internally? _Please, please, don´t_. But the look he gave me said he at least suspected something was going on with me.

 

“You see Warden, I had wondered why you, the lauded Hero of Ferelden had been at the conclave. The wardens surely never went anywhere, where they actually could help people. Then I wondered why you acted so strange, like you were new to this world. The memory loss explains some of that, but not all. Every mage has the ability to wield their magic ingrained in their body once they learned it. It´s not something you just forget. And every Thedosian knows the plants and animals on our way. As much as you tried to hide it, I saw you staring at them in wonder. You couldn´t have forgotten your whole live, or you wouldn´t be able to function at all. So, the question was, what had happened to you.”

 

My face had been becoming paler with every word. Panic was quelling in my insides, trying to get out. I felt my fingertips freeze, my magic readying itself to defend. This was the worst-case scenario. I had been found out! By the one person who would surely try to crack open my brain for as much information as possible.

 

He looked in my eyes and saw the budding magic I surely wouldn´t have under control. Gently he took my hand, dispelling my magic without hurting me and continued. “I am sorry to have startled you, but I needed to see for myself. The glow in your eyes just now, the reaction you have shown has made it clear to me. You are not from this world. Your aura shows certain characteristics that I first discounted as the taint but I couldn´t quite get the feeling out of my head. You felt familiar. And now, that I have felt your magic so close and when you forget about it, it became clear to me. Your magic feels like the fade. Not repressed like mages, you feel like a spirit. I don´t know how and why you came to this side, friend, but I suspect strongly the chaos ensuing the breach shoved you through the veil and into this world. And in your panic, you took the first body available. I am sorry this had to happen.” His head hung long, like he was feeling actual remorse about my situation.

 

At that point, I was almost hyperventilating and just short of simply passing out. This body was strong and didn´t show as much emotion as I was used to, but this kind of fear was even too much for the Warden.

Solas saw that and let go of my hand, signalling me to follow him while steadily keeping up his dispel, most likely in fear of me freezing the whole camp. That would be hard to explain.

 

My mind was jumbled, half screaming at me not to trust him, not to go with him, the other half was happy not to have to hide everything anymore. It would be enough to make him think he had solved the riddle. And he would stop looking for more secrets. Maybe he would even be nicer and become a friend?

Thus, I followed. A bit more clumsy than usual. My legs were just as shocked as the rest of me and I stumbled over roots quite a few times, ignoring the quiet chuckle I heard in front of me. I was thankful he had matched his stride to mine.

 

After a few minutes of fighting against gravity and almost falling down, he took my hand and lead me next to a big tree. “Please, sit down and try to meditate. We can´t let you run around in turmoil at camp. You could accidentally hurt someone. And then, tell me what happened and what we can do to avoid your corruption between the humans.”

Who was this man? This soft and warm man, who actually cared for my well-being? Was this his true nature? Had he hidden himself so far? Was he now treating me as an equal being, just because he thought me to be a spirit? Well, he was not too far off with that theory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poll: Which LI would be your ideal Partner for the warden in this story? Who would you wish her to end up with?


	13. Chapter 13

I sat there for quite a while.  _ Breathe in, breathe out _ …. I wasn´t sure how long I had sat like that or if I had fallen asleep. Too long it seemed, as a Scout was making quite the ruckus looking for us. 

It had been nice. Save and secure in the wilderness. Just listening to the leaves in the wind, but alas, duty called, rather loudly at that. 

 

I stood up with a groan and went back to camp with Solas in tow. Not talking, as the Scout was too close and I wouldn´t risk anyone to hear our conversation. The camp was not yet in uproar, thinking I had been lost, thankfully, I wouldn´t have stood even more attention on my back.

 

It had gotten quite late already and nobody looked strangely as I announced I would go to bed.

The day had been exhausting and soon I found myself within the fade. Not being particularly interested in what had happened here some time or another, on this boring and most likely bloody patch of dirt we called camp, I did not bother to seek out memories.

 

Soon someone knocked lightly on a stone nearby. How you could knock on a stone and make it sound like a door, I had no idea, but this was the fade, so asking for whys didn´t seem the sensible thing to do. Turning around, Solas was once again standing in my dreams, not intruding this time but politely asking for entrance. 

 

“I thought you might feel more comfortable talking about yourself inside your home?” he asked, sitting down next to me on the stone that had stretched somehow to allow for two.

I wasn´t sure where to begin, staying silent for a moment, trying to formulate coherent sentences, the fade started swirling in colours again. I felt the chuckle besides me more than I heard. “How about you start with telling me who you were before the explosion. What did you embody. Not grace as far as I could tell.” he ribbed me good naturally. I actually had to chuckle at that, for graceful I had never been, in no life.

 

“Well, it´s not quite so easy to put your entire essence in one word, is it? I´m not quite sure, who or what I´ve been before, some chunks are missing, I did not lie about that, I just midirect which chunks.” I told him with a wink, a bit proud of myself in that moment, as he once again smiled at me.

 

“I mean, you are called pride, but you are also more than just proud, are you not? And I have never been called anything in here” ( _ no lie _ ), “and I think I´m a lot younger than anyone else around.” ( _ also true, including the elf at my side _ ). 

His eyes suddenly shone with sadness, “You are almost still a child”, he whispered, “I´m sorry this had to happen to you.” 

 

I bristled at that, “I may not be centuries old but let me assure you, I am not a child in the sense it is used beyond the veil.” With my anger the fade also changed a bit, the swirling colours got darker and I could hear a shout in the distance.

He sat straighter at that, “I apologize , this has been entirely confusing for you so far and now I´m belittling you as well.” He did not talk again until I seemed to have caught my emotions, was he afraid I would become an abomination if I became too upset? Maybe rage was near and he didn´t want a visitor?

 

I continued, “Well, anyway, I can´t quite remember much about my time here, I was just floating around mostly, I guess. Then the world suddenly changed entirely. Everything was strange, my body didn't want to listen and people were pointing at me. Why is this world so strange?” I almost broke out into tears, stupid waterfalls, I would not cry here, not in the fade where I was prey for every demon and not here in front of the one responsible for all this.

 

He looked into the distance for quite some time. “You may have been loyalty once or maybe irony? I can´t quite tell, you don´t see the world as bleak as you could in your situation and seem to have the urge to help. Your mind seems not accustomed to fighting. You would have been loved and cherished in Arlathan, a spirit gaining a body without help or on accident was a very rare occurrence.” It did not feel like he was talking to me, rather about me, voicing his thoughts, he had drifted off into his thoughts. It was a bit rude in my opinion.

 

I nudged his arm lightly, Solas turned around with a far away look in his eyes. “Hey, I´m still here.”

He blushed in embarrassment, “I apologize Lethallan, but just think about the possibilities. In ancient times spirits often got granted bodies and lived together with the people within the elvhen empire. You may be the closest to that way of life for the last 1000 years. The last piece of elvhenan!” I raised an eyebrow at that. “The last? You don´t count?” At first he looked horrified, then anger began to seethe in his eyes. He sure could look scary, I felt my eyes light up again, my body, even the fade one, wanted to protect me. As he saw that, Solas suddenly deflated. He took my arm and flushed again, obviously unsure if he should be terrified I found out about his secret or happy he had not to hide, as we were so similiar. His whole well spoken personality suddenly vanished, his shoulder hunched. “...how?” was all he could get over his lips.

“An elvhen dreamer who talks endlessly about the fade and ancient times and only started calling me Lethallan after he found out about my history and who shines a lot brighter than any other being I have encountered in the fade? Wasn´t that hard, was it?” I chuckled.  _ Good safe, mind, I´m proud of you. _

 

Solas looked at me with bright open eyes, I could imagine he looked like this in his youth a lot. “I… I wasn´t aware I was this obvious.” He looked away but not fast enough to hide the flush in his face. “I promise, I won´t tell. I´m sure my secret is safe with you as well.” He nodded, still floored about tonights revelations. This was not quite how I imagined a deal of mutual destruction to be discussed. So peaceful.

I chuckled once again and felt the fade slowly lift around me. “See you in the waking, Solas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m sorry, I suck at proper dialogue scenes. I did my best, and now that that´s out of the way, we can continue into the hinterlands.


End file.
